When I had gotten into the middle of the summer, I was getting more desperate. It didn't seem to be clicking and I was trying to found out what was wrong with me. Jessica took me on as a student only days before the Lake Mills triathlon.
This early season triathlon showed me how easy it was for me to drop out of the swim. It served as an eerie foreshadowing to the Ironman Wisconsin.
I saw one competitor running up Monroe Street, wearing the same shirt I wore at Lake Mills. Jeni asked if we should start heading to the the finish. I stared off for a moment as the runner jogged uphill in my peripheral vision seemingly imitated what I would have looked like had I not dropped out of the swim. He kept running at me and we left for finish line where we would see all our friends complete this journey.
Amy,
I'll catch you up on the action packed four days I have had. In the midst of it all, Tuesday proved once again that it can be an open door to a new series of events. That's the day I returned to the sports psychologist to discuss deep water issues.
The sports psychologist's waiting room is more like a hallway with a couple chairs. I sat waiting for her at the end of this Good N' Plenty shaped space. Doors to private operating professionals lined the hallway/room. A small bookcase boasting each professional's self-help interests were lined up and piled on each shelf. As I waited, I slid over to the seat closest to the shelves. I picked up a book that included the words, "Chakra Energy" and I skimmed the back to get a summary.
"Hey Steve, are you ready?" The sports psychologist was inviting me in for our hour.
"Oh," I was surprised at first, the got up, "Yeah."
My duty was to catch her up on events that unfolded in the past few days. Hopefully, she could gain an appreciation for what had happened with my swimming. My fear of deep, open waters had, in my opinion, gotten worse.
"One person wanted to help, but it seemed to be a matter of being thrown out into the water," I explained, "I got into the water with another friend who wanted to help on Saturday and she was very supportive. It helped me understand how the wet suit will save me every time, but I can't help getting scared.
I got to the race, "When I got to Lake Mills Triathlon, I was very scared. I tried to put on the best positive face I could, hoping that it would help. I got out fifty yards and had to flip over on my back to gather myself. Then I stroked a few more times and was on my back trying to collect myself again. The lifeguard kayak yelled out to me. He gave me support and told me that I could calm down and do it. I gave it a shot and ended up on my back again. He threw me a float. He told me to get out of the way of the next wave of swimmers. I began again but got winded. The lifeguard asked me if I could swim back to the shore. I told him I could. I was let go from the race, but the kayak guy told me to finish the race and enjoy the day. Soon after that, I got a flat on the bike, but got through the run without incident."
"What are you scared of?"
"I'm going to go under and drown and no one will save me."
"Have you tried any relaxation techniques?"
"I tried hypnotizing myself."
"Explain how you did that."
I go into detail about how I found a deep relaxation, repeating positive reinforcements. Saying things like, "I'm safe in deep water." or "Staying calm is good for your stroke." The sports psychologist said this was a good thing.
She asks me, "How would you feel about being hypnotized?"
We talked at some length about my feelings in the water. I told her that every minute was like 'fight or flight'. The anxiety was very difficult to focus on the work. She told me that we would try hypnotism. I won't go into details about the process, but I will tell you that it was a deep relaxation state where I was lucid.
It began by putting up my dominant hand (for me it was my right hand) and let the palms face her. The hand was blocking my view of her while it floated about six inches away from the tip of my nose. She told me to focus on one thing on my hand and stay focused on that one place. Among the thousands of freckles that are carpeting the back of my hand, I found one. I looked at it. I stared at it. My eyes tried to stay locked on this one thing. She talked and talked. Her instructions never paused. The freckle went out of focus after a while.
Her talk sent me to a beach where I was lying on my back. Then, I would spot a cloud where I was floating above the open water. The water is calm. Looking down, what did I see? She wanted to know. This is where it got confusing.
One tear fell from each eye. I was trying to be truthful about this process and let it 'all hang out', but I thought the tears were unnecessary. I tried, in my lucid state, to hold them back. But they rolled down. And I saw the water from the cloud and I cried. She told me not to hold anything back. She told me to let it all go. I cried and moaned and cried. I couldn't stop bawling for a while. As those feelings slowed down, she asked me what I was feeling. She waited for a few moments and asked me again. This is where it get even more confusing.
"Hate. Envy." I felt like I wanted to come to shore.
"I'm going to count up to ten and you'll slowly open your eyes," she narrates the numbers like a ten step plan to waking up, "10…open your eyes."
I see her sitting there with a horrified look on her face, "I see how intense these feelings are for you." She had a number of suggestions, but she started by asking me the one simple question, "Do you want to swim? Do you want to work on this?"
"Yes, of course!"
"Why do you want to swim?"
"This is ridiculous. I know I'm not supposed to measure myself against other people, but, I mean, MY GOD. I can swim for Christ's sake! This is ridiculous. I want out of this phobia. And I can do this."
She gave me three things to develop:
1. Instruct yourself through the getting ready for the swim.
2. Rather than relying on help from a bunch of friends, develop one way to train for the swim.
3. Practice visualization and relaxation
* * * * *
After that appointment, I arrived at work and immediately called my coach/trainer. Since my swim coach Tara is on the brink of having a baby any minute, I'm directing all my work to my coach/trainer Jessica. I told the sports psychologist that Jessica may call her to find out what we discussed. I told her to let her know anything she wants to know. It's time for me to cash in my chips and actually make significant progress. The only way I can achieve serious goals will be through communication among Jess & the sports psychologist.
When I talked to Jess, she met me for lunch where I explained what the appointment was like. I told her that I would like to hit the water three to four times a week with her help. We talked at some length about it. As we sat outside eating our respective burritos, I caught a glimpse of someone I knew walking along this restaurant's plaza. It was swim coach Tara.
I yelled for Tara and she came up to me, "Heeeey! 11 minutes! Nice job!" She referred to my results time of
"Uhh. That was wrong. I was pulled out of the water," I said these words while I allowed her face to turn to shock. Jess, Tara and I talked for a while. Primarily about strategies that I could take. Basically, it was a way of letting Tara know that while she's having the baby, all my coaching is going to be with Jess.
Just like that, I became a serious headcase that needed significant attention. From the time that I looked at that freckle to until this moment, I worked to free myself to be a headcase. With Jessica's help, I know I can be a headcase and get through the Ironman swim. I can be both. Because I'll never beat this thing fully. But, I can work with it and find ways to swim with my phobia. I learned that this morning.
My plan didn't include any swimming today, but I thought I would go with my friend Dryden and swim at Fireman's Park. This is where my next triathlon is taking place, so it was good to scope the place out. It was a quarry the filled up with water then soon became a park. Today, it's the setting for the Verona Triterium. This course boasts a triathlon sprint as well as a triathlon olympic. I have signed up for the olympic distance (800 yards swim, 25 mile bike, 10K run).
I lost my way a little bit, but eventually ended up at the small park that is (I found out) discreetly tucked away inside the middle of this Main Street town of Verona. That weekend, this small town will be hosting their annual "Hometown Days" where they have crafts, games and rides all weekend. Already American flags lined the streets in preparation.
As I pulled into this park's beach, about seven cars were parked in the lot. All the cars were driven by other people who also were preparing for the upcoming Triterium. Little did I know that there were about six of those people were friends of mine.
You can't tell who is who when everybody is dressed in wet suits, caps and goggles. These uniforms zip through the water trying to get in their training for the day. I shyly stepped into the shallow beach end and worked on twenty stroke sets. I would drop into deep water a couple times and scurry back to shallow waters. I wanted to manage my training and I told Dryden go ahead where he wanted to go.
After a little work, I simply went back up to shore and called it a swim. Reaching the beach, J. is at the mini-coastline. J. is someone I met just this past Sunday at Lake Mills.
His reputation precedes him. One triathlete told me last Sunday, "Who is next to me in the transition area? J. That guy is listening to music and I can see he's getting pumped up for this race. I'm like, crap!" Another person told me, "He used to be a pro golfer who decided to take up triathlons." Looking at him, you can see confidence, power and strength. His shaved head, muscular body and bright blue eyes make for the perfect athlete who could don the cover of "Triathlete" magazine. And I had the chance to chat a minute or two with him this morning.
He actually remembers my name from our two minute introduction last weekend, "Hey Steve."
"Hey."
His arms are down at his side with the goggles hanging like he's waiting for the wind to die down so he can jump into the Fireman's Park quarry lake. We exchange 'how are you' talk. I'm almost thinking of a way to quietly conclude our conversation, but shyly tell him that I'm having deep water issues. Since looking at the freckle, I sense that I'm becoming more honest about my problem.
He talks to me about how his performance issues. Our discussion turns into group therapy type of conversation where he assured me that there are answers and help out there. I soon realize why he's revered. Not just his ability to perform extremely well, but also the fact that he is willing to step up to the challenge and be honest about his weaknesses.
Out from behind me, comes C. An old friend from my beginning days of running, she said she heard me talking about deep water issues. She said that she still has deep, open water issues that plagues her still to this day, "Right over there I thought I was going to drown. Today I put myself in the water and tried to sit down. I had to prove to my body that with this wet suit, I won't go under. Even to this day!" She assured me that we should discuss this further before she went into the water for her ninety minutes of work she was prescribed to swim.
Dryden comes out of the water and hears the end of the conversation, "Are we done?"
"I am. This was extra credit for me," I turn to signal the end of our water time.
Down the ramp to the beach, the doctor who sold me the bike is cleaning his goggles in preparation for swimming. I spot him, "Hey, Doc!"
"Steve! Hello!"
As I reveal a little bit of my water issues to him as well, he nods. "I thought I was going to drown two years ago during the Triterium. Right over there," Doc points to the far end, "It took me about ten different types of strokes to actually finish that swim."
It was a baffling scene at this little lake in the quarry. Everybody with their issues, achievements to be made and continue to wrestle. I think about that freckle that kept coming closer to my nose as I struggled to focus on it in the psychologist's office. My eyes couldn't fix on it after a while. I went into a deep relaxation. That one freckle was like a star in a universe full of heavenly bodies, but I chose to focus on that one in order to go into the lucid state where I fall apart. Handing myself over to whatever these feelings were getting in the way of my ability to train for September 9th, 2007.
I got into work today and received a lengthy email from J. It was the type of note that I'll visit again and again. He had suggestions and examples that could very well help me. And he said something that, at first, I thought was insulting, but it was something that I was afraid of as well, "Here in lies a necessary introspection that you need not share with anyone, but something deep inside you from your past is pulling your strings when you get into the water and causing you to see things unclearly."
I'm not sure why I hated the open water or why envy was something that I felt for the open water. In order for me to train in the swim, maybe I need to see things more clearly.
sfd
June 6, 2007
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