The clock illuminated my bedroom. The windows were open and boasted silence since I cursed the birds who usually sit right outside my window. Silhouettes of pine trees were out there. The walls, glowing blue from the clock, framed that picture nicely. I rolled over and finally gave into reading the time. 2:54AM BLOCK LETTERS. It's such a cold way of telling me it's very early.
I tried a number of ways to go back to sleep. Music. Reading. Television. Milk. Reciting an internal story while my eyes are shut. The stories usually turn unfortunate. Knee jerk.
I'll just get up. There's a web site that needs to be finished building. A pot of coffee gets brewed while I walk around the kitchen. I look at things in the pantry. In the refrigerator. Pick up some extraneous materials on the floor of the oven so it doesn't set off the fire alarm again. Coffee's done.
Pour a big cup and walk to the computer and pour through the site. Inside two hours, I'm finished with it. It's 5AM. I send an email and tell the client. I'm pretty sure she's amazed by the fact that I completed it inside twelve hours.
Run. I can run! I'm full of coffee! But I haven't run in about three weeks. I vow to go around the Arb full out.
I'm two miles in. Good.
I'm three miles in. My mind is racing. I'm alone. I see some people and I give the 'hey' but ultimately, I am alone. Training for no race other than Ironman Wisconsin that's set for over 18 months from now. In that way, I feel like I'm not even training. I have nothing in front of me to feel inspired. It's an amazing day but there's nobody running the arboretum? When I'm swimming, I feel like the water is keeping me company. Even if it IS my enemy. It's still company. When I run, it's something holy but ultimately lonely. Is finding loneliness mean finding God? By the time I'm at the end of the arboretum, I duck into the trees and cry. I'm not a mess. I'm just tired. I couldn't get back to sleep. Harumph. Run home.
The shower is amazing. Hot. Soothing.
I head to work and I have list of eleven goals for the day. The best case scenario involves me finishing the list and leaving at 2:45PM. Out of complete surprise, I make the best case scenario happen. Task lists are priceless.
The 2:45 was part of the plan since I was promised a walk with a friend at 3PM from my house.
If you're not divorced or separated, then I want to help you understand this part of my story. It seems to be a common element of every divorce. There's a new life out there waiting. You gain things that are new and different. One of the things you will gain are friends. Some of these friends are friends who build stronger bonds. Some of these friends are those who were acquaintances who stepped up and want to help. The others are new friends. These people only know you as a person who is not really part of a marriage. And those new acquaintances can work both ways, really good and really uncomfortable.
I met somebody once who went running with me. I got the impression that she was mildly interested in me and as I revealed elements of what I was going through, she became increasingly disappointed (or at least that was my read on her face).
A few weeks ago, we went for a run and we learned about each other.
"You're 38? You don't look that old." She nicely tells me.
"Thanks."
Later as facts are revealed, she learns much more.
"So you're going through a divorce?" She asks after I talk about it.
"Yes."
After the run, she's up at my place.
"So you have two kids?"
"Yes."
To a 30 year old, single unmarried woman, I'm something that is riddled with issues. I have unresolved issues, strict schedules and in the process of financially starting over.
My 3:00 appointment was somebody who I met after I moved out. Like myself, she has two kids and is unattached (divorced, actually). She's strong and she's smart. She's confident and funny. She listens and she starts conversations. We met in a peculiar place. We've continued to meet and talk about anything and everything.
After we sit on my front porch, my promised walk becomes a simple sitting on the porch and talking. From the seven rocking chairs on my porch, we take two and put our feet up. My feet found a ledge and her feet had soles that gripped onto a load bearing pillar but they continually slipped time and again. I was certain that her shoes that slipped from the wall were the very same shoes she wore during her run that morning.
She says that her little five miles aren't much to me. I tried to tell her that effort is simply perception (in a roundabout way).
She left for her 5:00PM appointment. When she was gone, I thought it was a really good time to start drinking beer.
Two beers later, I sent a text to Christina. Every Tuesday, I would walk or drive over to Bruce & Christina's to watch Lost. When Lost decided to close its doors, Christina simply continued to meet up. I would drive or walk over and we did whatever. We had plans like, "We'll watch a new show every week" or "We'll watch a new movie every week". It simply turned into hanging out every Tuesday. What a great concept. Just hang out. Something to count on. In my situation, I don't have many constants. And I love schedules, constants, etc. It also helps when they have a great support system with family & neighborhood. In times when it feels like you're bathing in the flames of hell, support systems are like avenging angels who shrug their shoulders and don't know they're making a difference, when in fact, demons are being killed. Do I make sense?
As we sit on their stairs drinking beer, the burgers and chicken fingers in their styrofoam containers are being eaten. Neighbors, one by one, come over. It becomes an impromptu gathering. To me, this was like a miracle. And that's why I say that they are like avenging angels slaughtering demons.
I walked to their house full of sleep deprivation and frustration. Emotions kick up during emotional times. Now, those things were all gone.
There were arguments, laughter and conversation. "What!?" one person asks me, "You're really going to the midnight show?!"
"I was talked into it."
"You'll never do it."
Just then, I decided I was definitely doing it. Spite, to me, is the best reason to do things. It is a very simple version of rebellion.
"I'll be there."
The neighbors slowly made their way back to their homes along Commonwealth Avenue in Madison. I was there with Bruce & Christina's family. I told them I needed to walk back to meet my friends at 10:00PM.
I got home, got in my car and made my way to a midnight premier of "Eclipse".
"I brought you what you needed." I was meeting three friends from a non-profit board. In some way, they found each other as Twilight fans then told me that I needed to be there. I had even gotten a text earlier this day from this woman saying, "I can't believe that you haven't backed out yet." I was never somebody to back away and now I had spite on my side. She handed me a flask of Southern Comfort that she knew only by request, "What kind of booze do you need?"
By the time that we made it to the theater, it was a wonder what we should do until the midnight show. Somebody brought Twilight trivia cards. She quizzed me on back story material and I was happy to make up answers that were completely wrong since I was no fan of these films.
"Who is Elizabeth Masen?"
"She was Gloria Vanderbilt's Mother who eventually became the heiress to the Jessica Simpson Foundation. She was a vampire who drank human blood."
"No. It was Edward's mother."
"Right."
The movie starts. I watch. And I watch. And I watch. Spite is a powerful tool. OK, maybe not "super" powerful. I fall asleep.
I wake up and the primary characters Bella and Edward are in a field talking about when she can become a vampire.
"You fell asleep."
"Right."
I drive. I get home. I walk into the bedroom. The clock illuminated my bedroom. The windows were open and boasted silence since I cursed the birds who usually sit right outside my window. Silhouettes of pine trees were out there. The walls, glowing blue from the clock, framed that picture nicely. I get into bed and finally gave into reading the time. 2:54AM BLOCK LETTERS. It's such a cold way of telling me it's very late. I have to get some sleep.
I have open water swim tomorrow.